How Many of an 8th of Shroom Will Feed People
As a brand devoted to men, we try to provide you with the most extensive penis news coverage on the internet. If it happened to a wang, or effects your ding-dong in some way, we'll tell you about it. But sometimes penis stories slip through the cracks.
Here's the schlong news you may've missed this week.
There's Never Been a Better Time to Draw a Choad On Something
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It's just a fact: Men love drawing penises on things. If you don't think this is true, you're either repressing your most fundamental, hard-wired instincts as a human male, or you've literally just drawn a penis on something and you're like "Ixnay on the enispay awingdray."
Some guys haven't done it since they were kids, back in that blissful age when a crayon and a lack of adult supervision meant some dicks were gonna end up Mommy's dresser. Some guys still do it at every opportunity—you can see their handiwork on the restroom walls of your favorite eatery, and literally every highway reststop in North America.
It never stops, because it never stops being funny. We still return to this Imgur story from a year ago, with the Top 10 of the Best Penises Drawn on Newspapers (totally NSFW, by the way), when we need an inappropriate smile, because it's timeless comedy. Penises drawn on things in which you don't expect to see a penis make the world a better place to live.
We're living in a golden era of penis drawings (or dessins de pénis, as the French would say). Penises are popping up everywhere—that's right, we said popping—from fashion to culinary arts to social activism. It's like Paris in the 1920s, but with way more dicks. Play your cards right, and drawing penises could make you rich.
Well probably, right? Check out this dress, worn by FKA Twigs—a British singer engaged to Robert Pattinson and not, as we originally suspected, a new sugary cereal high in fructose corn syrup—at the Met Gala in NYC this past Monday.
You see the penis, right? It's not one of those 3-D stereogram magic-eye paintings where you have to unfocus your eyes to see what's really there. That'sclearlya penis.
That dress was designed by Christopher Kane, who makes lot of fancy dresses for celebrities. You want to buy one of his dresses, it's going to cost you around $3000. So he doesn't "accidentally" slip a penis on a dress.
This is how we imagine the pre-red carpet conversation went between Kane and Twigs.
FKA TWIGS: I need a classy dress for the Met Gala.
KANE: I can absolutely do that. You want something with a penis on the front, right?
FKA TWIGS: Please. Something super obvious.
KANE: Okay. That'll cost you extra.
FKA TWIGS: Not a problem. Just make sure the penis looks circumcised.
KANE: Sure. Balls too?
FKA TWIGS: Jesus Christ, Chris. This is the Met Gala. The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
KANE: Sorry.
FKA TWIGS: Stop asking stupid questions. Give me one big, sweaty-looking ball.
We've mentioned the French twice now, and with good reason. If you've ever been to Paris and visited one of their famous coffee shops, you've learned an irrefutable truth. Their coffee is terrible. No, seriously, it's undrinkable swill. (Slate knows what we're talking about.)
But they've come up with a genius way of making people forget about the atrociousness of their java. Café Chilango in Paris hosted the first (hopefully annual) "Dick Latte Art Night," which is exactly what it sounds like—if you imagined baristas making penis shapes out of milk and foam on top of espressos.
If you're a reasonable person, your first thought is probably, 'Why isn't my local Starbuck's doing this?' We don't know. You'd have to ask them. But be careful, they might try to lure you into a conversation about race. And you absolutely don't want to get into a spirited debate about race and penises. One of you will invariably say something you think is obviously ironic, but the joke doesn't land, and then you'll try to backtrack with some lame excuse like "That's just something I heard Artie Lange say once. It's not racist or anything." No, just no. Stop talking. Take your coffee and leave.
Penises can also be a form of social change. In Manchester, England, an anonymous street artist who calls himself "Wanksy" decided he was tired of all the potholes that his local government seemed so reluctant to fill. So he devised some gentle encouragement, in the form of penis graffiti.
Although Manchester councilmen called the defacing "not only stupid but incredibly insulting to local residents," the potholes in question were all mysteriously filled within 48 hours of being penis tagged. And Wanksy has become something of a folk hero, with his own Facebook fan page featuring before and after photos that prove his effectiveness.
Some of the best penis art is created by people who don't even realize they're making penis art. Like the New Shepard spaceship, a commercial space airliner developed by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and his Blue Origin spaceflight company. According to an announcement on Blue Origin's blog, the rocket had a successful test flight, reaching an altitude of 307,000 feet. Not mentioned in the announcement: The rocket looks exactly like a circumcised cock.
And then there's Llyr Jones, a 35 year old farmer from a small village in north-eastern Wales. Last year, he was trimming shrubbery on a hillside when he realized "what I had cut looked like a penis," he told the U.K. newspaper Metro earlier this week. "So I decided to finish the job." The whole thing was, he claimed, an "accident."
The massive, 100-foot penis didn't become noticeable until the winter, when a fresh layer of snow provided the perfect penile outline. Aerial photos of the gigantic weenie became a social media fixture—a new crop circles mystery for people who like dick jokes—and the creator remained unknown until Jones finally accepted the spotlight this week.
"I would say it took about a minute to do," he told Metro, being humble in a way that only somebody who's meticulously carved out a gargantuan bologna pony on a Welch hillside can be.
It's easy to get carried away with penis fever. Even Gawker, whose writers normally take a deep, sobering breath before posting anything, got carried away by the excitement of penile permissiveness. "What Happens When You Put an ASCII Penis on Your Resume?" they asked via a clever title on Monday. We don't need to answer that one for you, do we? As a general rule, try to avoid putting anything on a job application that announces to a prospective employer: "I'm a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen."
(Leave off the penises and stick with these 5 Resumé Secrets That Give You an Edge.)
And before you get too excited about your schlong free expression, consider that eggplants are no longer permitted on Instagram. Or at least the eggplant emoticon, which has been banned from Instagram's new search function.
Why exactly? Because it looks like a pecker. A big, purple, probably diseased pecker. But a pecker nonetheless.
A spokesman for Instagram told CNN that eggplants are now verboten because the delicious purple fruit is "consistently associated" with photos or videos that violate the social network's community standards. In other words, photos or videos of unsolicited peens.
So dicks pics have ruined everything for the rest of us yet again. Thanks for nothing, pervs. Now we can't Tweet an emoticon about our killer new eggplant parmesan recipe because you can't stop taking photos of Mr. Winky.
Scary (Penis) Monsters
Here's a fun difference between men and women. Are you familiar with "vagina dentata"? Of course you are. It's an old urban legend about vaginas with teeth, which is pretty much the epitome of every man's worst nightmare. The thing is, vagina dentata isn't real, and it's never been real.
But this week, we learned about Ottoia prolifica. Or as it's been dubbed, the "penis worm." It's a 500 million year-old creature that kinda looked like a penis, except with razor-sharp incisors that it used to eat just about anything in its path.
Here's how it was described by The Telegraph: "The creature was able to turn its mouth inside out and use its tooth-lined throat—which resembled a cheese grater—to drag itself around the Cambrian world."
Penis worm fossils were first discovered back in 1911, but it's only recently that researchers have attempted to compile a "dentist's handbook" of O. prolifica teeth. The study, conducted by the University of Cambridge and published this week in the journal Palaeontology, revealed that there might be a newly discovered species of penis worm, one with a unique three-pronged tooth.
So, to recap: Vagina dentata, a silly myth that isn't any more real than a chupacabra. Penis dentata, totally real. And thank your lucky stars you don't live in the Cambrian Period, or that wormy fucker would be gnawing at your foot right now.
But don't get too comfortable with the idea that penis monsters don't exist anymore. Penis worms may be trapped forever in fossils, but a new breed of penis behemoths are out there, like a Frankenstein's monster made entirely out of peckers, ready to unleash unspeakable horrors on the world.
Vice recently shared the terrifying tale of "Micha," a 45-year-old German man with a "nine-inch-long, three-inch-wide, seven-pound penis." He did it to himself, with regular silicone injections, and he admits that conventional sex is off the menu for him.
"You can't do certain things any more," he told Vice. Oh really? Like what, any kind of sexual penetration that doesn't cause your partner's head to explode like a Nazi at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark?
(Related: Doctor Reveals the 5 Craziest Penis Conditions He's Ever Treated.)
He also explained that his penis no longer adheres to traditional mainstream ideas of what a non-scream-inducing penis should look like. "I've been told that my penis looks like an ass or a mouth from the front," he says.
Enjoy the insane nightmares of a talking penis-ass that you'll invariably be having tonight!
Confusing Penis Tweet of the Week
Twitter can inspire some really ill-advised over-sharing, but because of the service's inherent limitations, it can also lead to some frustrating under-sharing. With only 140 characters, you need to choose your words wisely.
We're still not sure what LA Dodgers pitcher Brandon McCarthy was thinking when he tweeted this odd observation.
We don't normally think about Brandon McCarthy's dong, but after reading this, it's all we think about. Incessantly. Maddeningly.
Without context, "ridiculous" is a difficult word to decipher. If McCarthy had written something like "my penis looks menacing when i take a bath," okay, we can conjur up a mental image of what he's trying to convey. But ridiculous? Ridiculous how?
Like he's put a little top hat on it? Has he covered it in ribbons and decorative bows? Does it look like a Christmas candle? Or is it ridiculous because he's smooshing it into a weird, hairy lump, like Richard Dreyfuss making a mountain out of mashed potatoes in Close Encounters of the Third Kind?
Maybe he meant ridiculous in the Redfoo sense, where we're about to get crazy on the dance floor and Redfoo is all like "Party people! Let's get ridiculous!" Or does he mean ridiculous on an emotional level, like when you're fighting with your wife or girlfriend, trying to reassure her that she's just overreacting? Maybe it played out like this:
Brandon McCarthy's Penis: You never touch me anymore.
Brandon McCarthy: Don't be ridiculous, baby. Now go get Daddy a beer.
We just don't know. And the not-knowing makes it worse. We were so much happier living in a world where we didn't know there was something "ridiculous" about Brandon McCarthy's penis. But you can't unring a bell.
Eric Spitznagel is a frequent contributor to magazines like Playboy, Esquire, and the New York Times, and was employed for over two decades by the Second City comedy theater, where Stephen Colbert was his Secret Santa _twice.
Source: https://www.menshealth.com/trending-news/a19540196/this-week-in-penises-may-8/
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